When is failure a success?
The news that Wimbledon High School for Girls, one of the country’s top independent schools, is holding a Failure Week brings neatly into focus what many of us feel about failure. It has a knack of hanging around in our minds far more than do our successes. And many of us see failure only in negative terms
Yet, without failure as a comparison, how would we know what success was? And if we didn’t, as the school suggests we should, take calculated risks would we spend our lives wishing we had done differently, hearing that persistent internal refrain “if only” echoing in our ears?
Building resilience – which includes developing a way of managing our feelings about failure – is an essential life skill. Everyone is likely to face numerous setbacks and knocks in their personal and professional lives – in families, amongst friends or in business relationships – which affect not only those relationships but also their behaviour, self-esteem and confidence. Their feelings about failure might also cause anxiety, worry or depression; it might increase their fears; or lead to irritability, mood swings or insomnia.
What would happen, though, if you were to reframe failure, or setbacks, as feedback? You tried something; it didn’t go as hoped; the result was that you learned why it didn’t work – gaining valuable insights that can guide you towards approaching challenges differently. Looking at some simple examples:
- at school: not passing an exam also indicates what you are better at or that one way of revising is better than another;
- at home: not achieving everything on your weekend to-do list could be a sign that some things are unimportant and should rightfully be dropped;
- at work: not winning new business or losing a client provides a chance to identify strengths, show where training would reduce weaknesses, improve internal processes, or build dynamic teams.
As the headmistress of Wimbledon High School says, it is “acceptable, and completely normal, not to succeed at times in life”. She wants to encourage her pupils to be courageous and learn the positives that come from failures.
We agree. Many people define themselves by their perceived failures rather than viewing them simply as part of life’s learning or refining process. By actively encouraging people to see their failures differently, whether at school, at home or at work, they might be able to expand their capacity for growth and resilience instead of being limiting by the negatives.
If you would like to learn how to build resilience, through counselling or therapy, so you can face failure from a different viewpoint, do get in touch.
08/02/2012 | Posted in Psychotherapy, Counselling, CBT,
Massacre in Norway triggers lessons in bereavement, grief, trauma and mental health
The massacre in Norway raises many points about mental health, bereavement, grief and trauma.
Let’s look first at Anders Behring Breivik whose actions resulted in 76 people being killed or, as we write this, unaccounted for. While it might have been legally judicious for his lawyer to label Breivik “insane”, using that word says more about prejudice than it does about understanding mental health.
When people retreat from the norm – behaving anti-socially, whether by withdrawing from others or behaving inhumanely towards themselves or others – it is often because they feel out of kilter with the world, or misunderstood by it, or because they cannot manage their emotions. This is not a defence of Breivik’s behavour (clearly extreme and exceptional) but it is an example of what can happen if mental illnesses are not recognised, diagnosed or treated.
While the majority of our clients are well-informed and self-aware, mental illness remains a taboo. Talking about mental health issues with partners, family, friends – or with colleagues at work – is not something everyone has the chance or inclination to do. Keeping concerns private does not often lead to extremes of behaviour – but it can cause significant shifts in behaviour or personality, turning people in on themselves. And that could lead to self-harm, eating disorders, mis-using drugs or alcohol, an over-reliance on smoking; it could cause anxiety, panic, stress, phobias, sleep issues. It can also affect behaviour and performance at work and relationships. Anyone feeling they do not fit in, that others are against them, or that they cannot cope deserves support and encouragement. Yet, as our human instinct is often to shy away from exposing what we think of as private weaknesses or inadequacies, support is often hard to seek.
The Norwegian tragedy also shows how others can be affected, directly or indirectly.
We’ve heard about the guilt that some survivors of the incident feel – that they escaped his attention or were just of out range so they lived but others didn’t. There is anger at the police – for taking what the public considered too long to respond to the incident, and for not having the right means to get their fast. Many who witnessed the incident were immediately traumatised and may remain affected by the trauma for some time. Some parents felt relief on learning their child was safe, but their relief was tinged with sadness at others’ loss. We saw the tearful response of the King and Queen of Norway at the memorial service, shocked and saddened by the individual deaths and by what was the country’s biggest loss of life since the second world war. And we noted the stunned expression on the Norwegian prime minister’s face as he took control of the incident, balancing his emotions with his responsibilities to set a lead for the country and protect its reputation as a tourist destination.
Paramedics who reached the scene described the people they found as traumatised. Those paramedics are likely to have built up resilience that helps them manage their reactions to traumatic incidents but they might need continuing support to maintain that resilience.
And we’ve experienced our own reactions, at a distance from the incident, trying to make sense of it from our perspectives, with many of us reliving grief at lives lost years ago or recently.
All of these reactions are normal – grief is a complex emotion even when a death or loss occurs naturally and is expected. Sometimes it takes an extreme act for people to notice the extent of their own or others’ mental distress – and to give themselves permission to seek help to overcome it.
If this traumatic incident has triggered difficult emotions, changed behaviours, or reopened issues you thought were under control, do get in touch with us for professional, therapeutic support. We offer a range of therapies including EMDR (recognised by NICE as particularly effective for recovering from trauma), CBT, hypnotherapy, psychotherapy and counselling - and often recommend a blend of therapies so each person receives the form of therapy that is best for them.
29/07/2011 | Posted in Psychotherapy, Psychodynamic therapy, Psychoanalytical therapy, Person-centred counselling, NLP, Integrative counselling, Hypnotherapy, Humanistic psychotherapy, Gestalt therapy, Existential counselling, EMDR, EFT, Counselling, CBT, Sensorimotor psychotherapy,
Stress at work
Today is Stress Awareness Day and MIND (a leading mental health charity) has just released research showing that millions of people take sickies to cope with stress at work – and that they lie to their bosses about the reasons for those sickies. I suspect that most of us have been in this position at some stage during our working life.
Taking a day off might help to some degree – giving you a chance to wind down, or up, or both, whichever is right for you – but it doesn’t solve the problem for the long term. The same pressures will continue; it takes corporate, not individual, action to change the level of stress at work.
For many organisations, facing up to the fact that stress is an issue can be hugely counter-cultural and intimidating. It is often the case that the people creating stress for others are under stress themselves – and they can be as reluctant to be honest about this to their bosses, as their staff are about being honest to them. The merry-go-round of stress goes merrily round with people at every level unable to stop and get off.
It doesn’t have to be like this. While a certain degree of stress is good for each of us – it drives us on, inspires us, encourages achievement, helps us aim high – an unmanageable level of stress can adversely affect individual and corporate performance. At the very least, it increases the number of sickies we take.
More and more organisations realise that they need policies to manage stress in the workplace. Some policies might be relatively easy to introduce (reducing noise, for example) but others require greater corporate effort (training leaders to recognise stress in themselves and others, and how to minimise or overcome it). Getting outside help, including to formulate and implement those policies, is one way for business leaders to reduce their own stress (delegating is an important stress-reliever) as well as the stress their staff feel – so everyone can concentrate on their own, and the business’s, success.
How did you cope on Stress Awareness Day?
03/11/2010 | Posted in Psychotherapy, Hypnotherapy, Counselling, CBT,
CBT could cure insomnia
In a recent article we talked about the research done at the Sleep Research Centre at Loughborough University. Researchers involved in the study concluded that around five hours of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) could cure insomnia for most people.
CBT used in this research is based on psychological interventions encouraging the sufferers of insomnia to break their cycle of worry to sleepless nights and return to their normal sleeping patterns. The CBT methods start with using basic notes on what can promote sleep, so helping the sufferers avoid things like taking short naps in the daytime because they felt tired and encouraging them to start waking and going to bed at the same each day and night.
The therapy also included changing the sufferer’s habits to avoid caffeine, exercise or eating close to bedtime and teaching the sufferer how to relax, such as focusing themselves at night to avoid going over their day to day worries and problems.
CBT is known as a talking therapy, much like counselling or psychotherapy, and many people can feel quite cynical about it. However, the results are difficult to deny. This study showed 70 per cent of sufferers benefited greatly, including those who had been on sleeping pills for 20 years or so.
09/03/2009 | Posted in CBT, Counselling, Psychotherapy,
Using CBT instead of sleeping pills
It seems that the recession is not just upsetting many people financially. It is also causing an almost national epidemic of insomnia. Worries about redundancy, savings, mortgages and debt are causing countless sleepless nights. Research from one medical website showed that almost half the 1,000 survey respondents confirmed they were not sleeping as well as before the economic crisis.
Although the current economic climate may be exacerbating the problem, insomnia is not a new problem. Around one in 20 adults takes some sort of sleeping pill - even though many say that pills can often cause more harm than good as patients find it hard to sleep without the pills when they try to stop taking them.
Another answer could be CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). Loughborough University conducted research into the matter and their Sleep Research Centre concluded that around five hours of CBT can actually cure insomnia for most people. CBT is a therapy that examines the way that we think or feel about situations or objects and how we react to them. Various techniques are used to help us change the way we feel or think about these and to adapt to more helpful reactions.
06/03/2009 | Posted in CBT, Psychotherapy,
Britain worries over finances
Website ReallyWorried.com shows the UK Worry Index, the resulting index devised from a survey of over 1400 people. According to this index, the global financial crisis means that the cost of living is now at the top of this UK's worries. The survey showed people are worrying more about money than they are about their health and drinking more than the previous year too, possibly in an effort to cope with worry.
Resorting to alcohol can breed more problems and this could be made worse as the survey showed 38 per cent bottle up their feelings. Talking about problems or looking at ways to change our patterns of thinking can really help and counsellors are finding that the credit crunch has meant an increase in the number of patients seeking help and solace from the stress.
Parents also worry their kids may become a victim of bullying. Youths aged from 16 to 24 worry the most as one in six apparently worries for around 12 hours a day. The worst day is Monday and after midnight is the time we worry the most.
Earlier this month The Sun quoted Phillip Hodson, a spokesperson for the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, as saying:
“It is alarming to realise from this research just how many people in Britain are chronic worriers. Worry is the central component of all anxiety disorders and most depression. Worry is the paralysing emotion that leaves us like rabbits trapped staring into the headlights. And it’s not only in the mind. The physical side of worry triggers a range of other symptoms from tics to indigestion and from obsessions to insomnia. “While it’s true that "born worriers" may never be cured, it is a darn sight more difficult to keep on worrying once you share your concerns with others who may already have found some good answers and who make you turn your fears into a realistic story with a beginning, a middle and, hopefully, a happy ending.”Counselling, psychotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and hypnotherapy are great therapies to help cope with the stress and worry so it is unsurprising that therapists are seeing more people for help with their day to day lives.
15/01/2009 | Posted in Psychotherapy, Counselling, CBT,
